Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
