I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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