I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize