i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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