Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
