You made me cry and you don't even care
I puked a lego.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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