My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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