mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
