My brain says no but my pants say off.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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