i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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