I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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