If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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