Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
time to smoke my breakfast
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
