You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
