Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You may now shotgun with the bride
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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