How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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