do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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