I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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