Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
