Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
