forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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