I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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