just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
