Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
please come you make the beer taste better
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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