We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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