did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
you never un-have a 4some
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
