for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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