I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
my being single is dangerous.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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