Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
