i just wanna soil my oats bro
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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