I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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