matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
