I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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