somebody snuck up and got me drunk
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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