Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
