So drunk its hurt
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
