you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
