Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
