The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
