remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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