There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
