Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
