At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
