I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
