Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
