Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Randomize
