I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
