you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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