Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
All I want is dick and wine.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
