i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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