One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
