Just fell off a train. Bad.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
