fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
