she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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