Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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