a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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