Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
