I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
