he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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