Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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