dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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