Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
