If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
