conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
