dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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