my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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