he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
