Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Mom said you looked used
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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