Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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