The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
