hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
