I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
