Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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