Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
