Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I think a kid would responsible me up
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
